Friday, November 15th, 2002 VOLUME 1, ISSUE 4 Terrorism...and more! 

Terrorist behavior runs rampant at Carleton
By Nico Vreeland

Carleton went to a Code Purple Alert this week as the result of "terrorist behavior" on the parts of three Carleton students nicknamed the "Axis of Evil." Allegedly, three Carleton students penetrated the perimeter of Sibley Elementary School, despite frequent border guard patrols, and chased children around the playground, wielding wiffle-ball bats and screaming what are assumed to be Afghani curses.

Possibly the ringleader of Carleton's underage drinking society Possibly the ringleader of Carleton's underage drinking society

Although they hurt no one and claimed their actions were only a prank gone too far, Carleton administrators have wasted no time in declaring their actions "terrorist behavior" and arranging a trial. In order to do so, Carleton was forced to adjust its definition of the word 'terrorist.' The new definition, which will be published in next year's Code of Conduct, has taken the place of the adjectives 'illegal,' 'mean,' 'immoral,' 'wrong,' 'mischievous,' and 'naughty,' and the nouns 'trouble-maker,' 'hoodlum,' 'vandal,' 'hell-ion,' 'rascal,' 'prankster,' and 'scalawag.'

The ramifications of such a redefinition are far-reaching. First, the weekly Security Blotter in the College's beloved Carletonian will be far more boring, consisting from now on only of times and a list of "Terrorist Behavior"s. More importantly, almost 1400 Carleton students, approximately 70% of the total Carleton population are now considered "terrorists," throwing Carleton into Code Purple, or a state of martial law. Whenever students are believed to be infringing upon the letter or spirit of Carleton law, privacy and due-process laws are null and void. Security has been instructed to intervene and cite with extreme prejudice.

Early Thursday morning, the CSA Senate voted to annul all of students' civil rights and liberties, a move which Dean of Students Mark Govoni hopes will restore freedom, justice and the American way. Furthermore, upon Govoni's request, the Senate voted to disband the College's Disciplinary Action Committee in favor of a one-man (Govoni) judicial tribunal, wherein Govoni will indicate via a Roman-style thumbs-up or thumbs-down whether the infractors will be put to death or merely expelled.

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Student disappointed by OCS program
By Brendan Hughes
Dr. Yuri Takrakov Dr. Yuri Takrakov

I recently had a chance to speak with English major Peter Pokorski '04, back at Carleton after four months of studying the "Indigenous Literature of Antarctica" in Antarctica. Reflecting upon his time there, Pokorski noted "I didn't really learn that much. My advisor, Candace Lines, told me that I would have a rich and rewarding experience in Antarctica. But when I returned to tell her what I thought of the program, she was gone." Pokorski applied to the program through the University of Tijuana's Departamento de los Programas Extranjeros Ridiculos. "Frankly," he said, "communication was a little difficult because of the language barrier." He added, though, that it "seemed like a good deal at the time."

When he disembarked from the plane, a transport carrying goat's milk and olive oil from Tierra del Fuego, the only people to greet him were a gentle Athabaskan named Kantishna and the frozen corpse of Robert Falcon Scott. "It was a wake-up call for me to see that man sprawled out on the side of the runway. I mean, I was told that it gets cold in Antarctica, but it was supposed to be summer. The program started in July, for God's sake." When informed that seasons are reversed in the southern hemisphere, Pokorski's pupils dilated and he quickly changed the subject.

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In Other News...

Another awkward elevator ride for Watson student

Watson resident Dwayne Simmons '05 experienced yet another prolonged, awkward elevator ride Thursday night, his landmark 300th awkward ride since he moved in this September.

"None of my friends want to come over here [to Watson], so I'm always in the elevator alone," Simmons said in defense of his staggering 99.3% awkward-ride ranking. "But I really think they're a great way to meet new people."

Read full article here...