Friday, November 8th, 2002 VOLUME 1, ISSUE 3 Politics...GONE WILD! 

Students sound off about election results
Compiled by the Editors

The impossible, or at least improbable, has happened: the Republicans have won the Senate and now control all three wings of non-judicial government. We wanted to see if Carleton students had any crackpot theories, predictions for the future of Congress, explanations for the disheartened, cheers for the victorious, or opinions. So we put out a semi-random email survey. Here's what students are thinking:

President George W. bush and Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle President George W. bush and Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle

I waited in line for about an hour, then I wrote in my roommate for sheriff, voted socialist for governor and Republican for senate, not so much because of my belief in Republican ideals, but mainly because I wanted to hear the liberals whine some more. I mean let's face it, there are some good ideas on the left but in college most of them are carried by spineless complainers.
Sam Kelly, sophomore

As much as I would be comforted by the idea of Republican conspiracy, the fact that Bush (our supposed leader) is a dolt, leads me to doubt that the entire Republican party has the mental capacity to dupe the American democratic public. Instead, I am resigned to the fact that Republican supporters are moronic, uneducated citizens incapable of recognizing the bumbling, arrogant, asses that they follow, despite the stench wafting back in their faces.

Two aspects of the the republican majority concern me:

  1. Pro-life men who cannot even begin to conceptualize the impact a child has on a woman's life and self-righteous women who condemn others for making mistakes, and
  2. American politicians with penchants for large weapons (compensation for what they lack EVERYWHERE ELSE, brain and body).

To begin, where do they get off trying to tell me what I can and cannot do with my body? No one, not even another woman, has that right over another female. When a Republican becomes pregnant while subsisting on a lower middle-class or below income and still holds true to their pro-life arguments, I'll lick Bush's shoes. Until then, I'll keep my body clean and under my own jurisdiction.

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Townhouse water 'smell[s] like shit'
By Chuk Kittredge

For the past two years, residents of the recently constructed townhouses on Musser Hill have been complaining about the smell of their hot water. "Why?" one student asked our reporters - "Why does the water have to smell so bad. With the amount of money [the Facilities Department] has laid out for the construction of these things - why does the water have to smell like shit?" Residents began noticing the smell immediately upon moving into the townhouses during the '01-'02 school year, and the infamous smell remains a mystery - and a cross for many Carls to bear.

Why, indeed? Why does the water smell so bad? I asked myself as I shook the hand of Utilities Director Wayne Beierman. Then, aloud. "Wayne, people want to know - what's up with the stank in the townhouse water?" Wayne grinned, exuding a friendly, managerial air. "Now that's a good question, Chuk. A very good question indeed" Then it came. Words pouring out of his mouth, properly formed vowels dropping like water pressure gauges from his sideways grin. "It's a long story," he warned me. I checked my watch. Hell, I was on company time. I'd even take Wayne out for a few cocktails afterwards - and put it on the company tab.

"After the townhomes were built," he said, "we noticed a bad smell in the water almost immediately. For the past two years now, we've had an independent contractor take water samples, and he has not detected anything in excess of the state drinking-water levels. We did some tests of our own and found the same thing - no mercury, arsenic, sulfur, any of that. And still the water smelled funny. Like rotten eggs, students kept saying. We flushed the main from the Boiler Room to [the townhouse lines] during hydrant testing - thinking it would probably help - but it had no," he paused for emphasis "discernible effect."

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In Other News...

Student violated by Eighth Week

"It was horrible," said sophomore Brendan Hughes of his recent encounter with eighth week. "I still wonder if its my fault, somehow." Hughes, an economics major who recently returned from a semester abroad, shared his experience with our reporters from his berth at the Northfield Hospital.

"I should have known. I mean, I saw it coming. Seventh Week had its way with me - worked me over, slapped me in the face afterwards and made me sleep in the bathroom. Somehow I thought this would be different. And I can't stop thinking that it could have worked, if only I had tried a little harder." Hughes, who refused further comment, was found Wednesday in his Watson single, bound and gagged and bleeding from blunt trauma wounds to the head - not to mention his cleft asshole.

Read full article here...