In Other News...

Wellness Center: Gas killed 16 in tunnels - Oden calls for regime change

Northfield - The gas that Security officers pumped into the tunnels to knock out student vandals during a raid Wednesday killed at least 16 of the students in a tragic climax to the siege, the Wellness Center's chief medical officer said yesterday.

Just three of the vandals escaped alive, and are currently in critical condition "from the effects of the gas," according to Andrei Seltsovsky, head of the Wellness Center.

Although Security had been in a standoff with the vandals for over 58 consecutive hours, President Robert Oden called the use of the experimental gas "unnecessary and irresponsible," and called for a security regime change.

"[Head of Security Wayne] Eisenhuth has committed atrocities against his people for too long," Oden said in an anti-security rally late Thursday. "We also have reason to believe he has weapons of mass intimidation."

Though College weapons inspectors have failed to find "weapons of mass intimidation," during the past five years, Oden insisted they exist. Included among the atrocities cited were overuse of flashlights and forced beer emptyings.

Eisenhuth, believed to be ensconced in his mirrored Sayles-Hill fortress, could not be reached for comment.

Town children found drugged after dorm trick-or-treating goes horribly awry

Seven adolescent children were found on the Bald Spot early this morning with bloodied noses and emptied candy-sacks. According to a statement released by Security, the children were robbed and beaten some time between the hours of 7 and 8 pm, possibly carried around as trophies during the night and then abandoned and left for dead earlier today.

The children, who are in stable condition at the Northfield hospital, were apparently given multiple doses of a GHB-like substance at one of the College's dorm-room trick-or-treating stops. Jimmy Jones, 11, remembers that students in Nourse Hall welcomed him and his friends into their room, offering them hot cider and donuts. Soon thereafter, the unsuspecting youths were viciously beaten, their candy-sacks torn asunder, and the rest, Jimmy says, "I can't remember." There is a chance the cider was laced with Rohypnol, the date-rape drug.

After her son did not return from his annual Halloween at the College, mother Shirley Jones notified police. "I feared the worst," said a distraught Jones, "but I never thought it would come to this. Who are these sick people who would beat my son and take his candy?" Campus Security forces are looking into the matter, although leads are few as many students were highly intoxicated Halloween eve.