In Other News...

Another awkward elevator ride for Watson student

Watson resident Dwayne Simmons '05 experienced yet another prolonged, awkward elevator ride Thursday night, his landmark 300th awkward ride since he moved in this September.

"None of my friends want to come over here [to Watson], so I'm always in the elevator alone," Simmons said in defense of his staggering 99.3% awkward-ride ranking. "But I really think they're a great way to meet new people."

Simmons was traveling from his seventh-floor single to the basement to check on laundry when the doors opened at the fourth floor and freshman Bobbi Meyers entered.

"I'd seen her around the building and I thought she was totally cute," Simmons said. "So I tried a little of my patented elevator magic."

He mumbled a "What's up?" to which Meyers shrugged. The two spent the next 54 seconds in excruciating silence, staring at the lighted floor indicators. Upon Meyers' exit, Simmons immediately remembered several pieces of inane chatter.

"Damn, I completely forgot about my 'Going down?' line," he lamented. "That one always gets a laugh."

McCracken "off his feed", says wife

"I'm worried about him," a red-eyed Sandy McCracken told reporters at lunchtime yesterday. "He's a growing boy - he needs to keep his strength up." McCracken, whose husband Greg is director of Maintenance at the College, drives her husband to work daily and brings him his lunches without fail. "Bacon and sausage casserole, just the way he likes it, with a little whipped butter on the side," grinned the nervous housewife. "I don't know what he'd do if I didn't keep a good eye on him, and make his ham platters in the morning. I pan-fry his chocolate-banana-marshmallow sandwiches every night."

McCracken, who had to be rescued with a Jaws of Life early last week after collapsing a golf cart under his considerable bulk, is reportedly on a diet. "Why yesterday, he only had a half-pound of bacon for breakfast, not his usual pound and a quarter. And then he asked me if we had any celery in the house. I almost fainted dead away - right there in my nightgown and curlers."

McCracken, who was spotted yesterday huffing the grease exhaust pipes from the Sayles Snack Bar, had reportedly lost more than two pounds in the last six days, and is shooting for three this week. Surprised co-workers in the Facilities Department pitched in to buy him a case of diet shakes, four of which he chugged on the spot, greedily licking the empty cans.

"I don't know what to do with him sometimes," said his trembling wife. "Why, if I didn't look after him, he'd be nothing but skin and bones." The corpulent McCracken refused comment, saying only that it was a "private matter." In an unrelated story, the Grounds Department has seen a recent escalation in scattered trash around the campus' many Dumpsters.

"All I can say is, those must be some well-fed raccoons," grunted a laconic Dennis Easley. "We're thinking about chaining those things shut."