Terrorist behavior runs rampant at Carleton
Carleton went to a Code Purple Alert this week as the result of "terrorist behavior" on the parts of three Carleton students nicknamed the "Axis of Evil." Allegedly, three Carleton students penetrated the perimeter of Sibley Elementary School, despite frequent border guard patrols, and chased children around the playground, wielding wiffle-ball bats and screaming what are assumed to be Afghani curses.
Although they hurt no one and claimed their actions were only a prank gone too far, Carleton administrators have wasted no time in declaring their actions "terrorist behavior" and arranging a trial. In order to do so, Carleton was forced to adjust its definition of the word 'terrorist.' The new definition, which will be published in next year's Code of Conduct, has taken the place of the adjectives 'illegal,' 'mean,' 'immoral,' 'wrong,' 'mischievous,' and 'naughty,' and the nouns 'trouble-maker,' 'hoodlum,' 'vandal,' 'hell-ion,' 'rascal,' 'prankster,' and 'scalawag.'
The ramifications of such a redefinition are far-reaching. First, the weekly Security Blotter in the College's beloved Carletonian will be far more boring, consisting from now on only of times and a list of "Terrorist Behavior"s. More importantly, almost 1400 Carleton students, approximately 70% of the total Carleton population are now considered "terrorists," throwing Carleton into Code Purple, or a state of martial law. Whenever students are believed to be infringing upon the letter or spirit of Carleton law, privacy and due-process laws are null and void. Security has been instructed to intervene and cite with extreme prejudice.
Early Thursday morning, the CSA Senate voted to annul all of students' civil rights and liberties, a move which Dean of Students Mark Govoni hopes will restore freedom, justice and the American way. Furthermore, upon Govoni's request, the Senate voted to disband the College's Disciplinary Action Committee in favor of a one-man (Govoni) judicial tribunal, wherein Govoni will indicate via a Roman-style thumbs-up or thumbs-down whether the infractors will be put to death or merely expelled.
"Swift justice is best," Govoni said, "especially when dealing with these kinds of heinous terrorist acts."
Also discovered after all student rights had been revoked was the possibility that an underage drinking ring might be linked to al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. Students suspected of potential involvement are scheduled to be executed by firing squad early Sunday morning.