It Ain't Easy Bein' Green

"So do we all have to own guns now?"
-Jon Stewart to John McCain

This morning I got a strange email entitled, "We Won! The Green Election Results." Then I read the contents, including the all important sentence, "we have lost our major party status." It was like a dream where I think I'm Brad Pitt and can have all this sex with Jennifer Aniston, and then I wake up and realize that I've been drooling in my pillow and shouting Brad Pitt's name in my sleep.

My housemate Tim says funny things like, "All I can figure is that Republicans are what the country wants," but I've taken to drowning out his voice by cranking up Offspring in the old stereo. You see, I like voting Green, and I've been thinking a lot about "the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care" lyric and wondering if I'm really suffering at all and whether or not I should keep on throwing away votes for the rest of my life.

But I like the kind of stuff that the Green party has to say. Take this quote from Minnesota Green Party gubernatorial candidate Ken Pentel, for example: "Minnesota can produce its own energy. Solar panels, crops for energy, and wind turbines would create 2 to 10 times more jobs, recycle billions of dollars in our local economy, and leave our children a more reliable, healthy future." Sure, like the header of the Green party email, Pentel is ridiculously optimistic, but isn't that the point? I used to think that environmental needs weren't terribly pressing, that voting for a major party could convey enough of my convictions, but now that oil is worth fighting wars for, destabilizing the entire Middle East - well, that's more than I'm willing to give.

Next time, everyone, think a little bit harder before you vote. Watch a Michael Moore movie. Read an article about how Indonesians think that the CIA was responsible for the latest terror attacks in Bali because we installed a friendly dictator there in 1965 to replace their president. I'm voting Green because I want to have kids who won't be blown up or choke to death on smog or work in a weapons manufacturing plant or underground. I want to be able to vacation in Bali. The Republican agenda is to send men out with guns and drums and come back with some oil and Saddam's head. The Democrats are playing defense until another candidate with Bill Clinton's charisma and money-making/laundering skills comes along.

So please think and vote next time, in that order. Or hope that Jon Stewart hasn't beaten you to the gun store.